Well wouldn't you know!

It's been a long time coming, and considering the tit growing these bastards, I'm as surprised as you are... How many months has it been? I've watered them, took off their side shoots. Panicked about blight, I've even had to take the bloody the windows off the greenhouse. But no, after 5 or 6 months growing and tending I got home from work to find this. A fucking Black Cherry tomato! It's not even ready to eat yet, (It's supposed to be black after all) but it's a flipping tomato!!!

How long before a slug gets it? Or it just falls off..

Windpocalypse - Part 1

As many long time readers will remember, my patio is rubbish. Any hint of wind and it's time to batten down the hatches or face the consequences.
Seeing as it's still August you could easily assume that the weather forecast would be sunny with a small chance of a shower. I mean I live in the South-East of the UK for flips sake. As it is the Met Office and the local paper are giving out weather warnings for Saturday afternoon and evening of wind gusts up to 50mph... Let's not panic. What could possibly go wrong?

Yellow = Windpocalypse

The chillis are still doing bugger all apart from the Super Chilli F1 (a hybrid variety) and the Cayenne, which was bought as seeds at a marked down price of 12p from a closing down DIY superstore. The rest just seem to sit there forming flower buds and then dropping them before they even open. Rubbish.

The Super Chilli F1's

Proper heritage chillis not doing much.

The 2 tomatillo plants I've grown, have just spread over the patio in the vain hope that they might get some sun. Fat chance of that. Again there's plenty of flowers, but no fruit. They're horrible lanky, ugly plants and I won't be growing them again. I don't even know if I like the fruit having never eaten them. I doubt they're worth the effort..

Ignore the 3 plants in the foreground, cos I like them.

One of the 2 things that really worries me is the old, crap greenhouse from Robert Dyas as I may have grown a pile of beans up it. Considering it weighs as much as a Meccano kit attached to a helium balloon, I reckon I have every reason to worry. If this falls over then everything on it, and everything under it will be knackered.

Try not to look at the dead peas.

Notice the Cat Protection Scheme.

Now I'm fully aware how crap they are generally considered, but I have had 2 years growing seedlings on mine so far. Admittedly it blew over a few times while it still had it's cover on last year, but as a shelving system it's a bargain in my opinion. Especially if like me, you're short of space, also I've never found a snail on it while the cover was off, so it's a worthwhile tool on my patio as far as I'm concerned, and all for £12! And anyway the cats appreciate it, and the cover it provides thanks to the rubble bags.

What really worries me are the Black Cherry Tomatoes. Obviously these cordon tomatoes need the space to grow to their maximum height. Stupidly I didn't read that bit on the packet and grew them in my tiny greenhouse, which explains why they're hanging out all over the place. A greenhouse so small, I had to take the doors off. If the wind gets as bad as predicted tomorrow, then I have every chance of the greenhouse, and the tomato plants, blowing away. Except they won't actually blow away... They'll just ruin my garden. Joy!

Tomatoes, this morning.

I need a bigger greenhouse. This is only two plants I should add.

Guest post regarding the delights of growing broccoli and the Terry Nutkins butterfly identification scheme.

Hello, I’m not @5olly but @Rusty_Ricker who has kindly been allowed to do a guest blog as I too am a Vegetablist, with varying degrees of success.

All BUTTERFLIES ARE WANKERS

That statement may seem a tad harsh and maybe unexpected as we’ve only just met you and I, but as I gaze out of my window at my broccoli, I can only describe the state that those little winged bastards have left it in. It looks like it’s been fisted by Lisa Riley (who I have it on good authority has hands like shovels).

I’ve never grown the stuff before and didn’t know it was like catnip to every butterfly in a 5 mile radius, hence I didn’t net it or protect it in any fashion save to make a bird scarer from a cane and pieces of carrier bag. I think this may have encouraged the butterflies further.

A carrier bag

The leaves appear holed and brown, some stripped completely in the initial stages. I ventured out and removed around 50-60 caterpillars which I think are Large Cabbage Whites, they now live at the landfill site. Everyday since without fail I pick off 10-15 small cabbage white fuckers, green in colour and hard as hell to spot. These get the good news with a flip flop and left on the patio as a warning to the others.

Future compost

It gets worse though as it seems my only broccoli has started to flower or bolt. I thought this was meant to happen, pretty yellow flowers, but no, this is not a good thing. 

I hate broccoli

I’m currently on 3 weeks holiday, but cannot relax as every time I see one of those winged twats flapping about in the garden I run out, waving my hands trying to repel the little shit and stop it laying it’s eggs on the leaves. They seem wise to this now, no longer laying neat batches of yellow pin heads which are easy to spot and destroy, but now laying individual eggs all over the place. It is only butterflies that are white in colour that lay eggs on the plant.
On a lighter note at the front of my house there is a large oak tree that tries to gain access to my house through my bathroom window at night, on that tree wasps are starting to nest. You may not see the lighter side here, but wait. Red Admirals, who must be related somehow to those white bastards (again unsure, I’m not a vet/Terry Nutkins) have taken to laying eggs and resting an inch from said nest. Just waiting for the wasps to attack and sting them all to hell.

I’m off, just seen another one, but before I go @5olly has given me some fantastic advice to rid me of my butterfly/caterpillar menace:

“…grow broccoli over the winter…”

Gardening is relaxing. Honest.

You can follow @Rusty_Ricker on Twitter 

Biting the bullet

I've done it. The bastard Ox Heart tomato plant is no more. What once looked like this.

Should be called Giraffe Heart. 

Now looks like this...

Notice the Ear-Buzz (Patent Pending)

To be honest I still don't think I have the dreaded blight. No other tomato plants on the patio have shown any signs of it, but I wasn't about to risk cross infection. Even so, it's mid-august and the problem plant still only had flowers on it, and no baby tomatoes. There was very little chance it was going to produce any ripe tomatoes before Christmas so I killed it and shoved it in the communal waste bin just case. Land fill. Best place for it. It's not going on my compost bin and anyway my flame-thrower has no fuel in it.

In other news the terrible attack from caterpillars seems to be halted. In total I found 4 of the bastards yesterday and none today. I should probably get up the the allotment if I'm honest and see how they're all doing up there. (The brassicas I mean, not the caterpillars.) 

These probably need planting out. Under a net.

Thanks to everyone who threw advice at me. Sorry I ignored all of you! You all know who you are! For those who don't know who they are, here are their blogs or twitter ID, should you feel the need to know them better. You should cos I do. They're in no particular order.

[Blog links have been deleted due to spamming bastards]

@rusty_ricker 

@lorraines_veg 

@idiotgardener 

@chantscottage 

@PatientGarden 

If the links don't work, you all know how to cut and paste. Blogger hates the cut & paste. It also hates keeping a consistant font size. Bet it loves AIDS though. :-(

Is it? Or isn't it???

Tomato blight!     

*dur dur durrrrr!*   ***a drum roll, that slowly gets louder and louder***

*a small child is seen starving in the african savanna. it only needs £3 per week :-(*

This weather really has been rubbish this year. A load of people I follow on Facebook or Twitter seemingly all have had 'The Blight', and I can't help but worry!

I thought that I might be alright in my new abode. I'm 30 seconds walk from the sea, no-one grows tomatoes between my patio and the surf, and pretty much the prevailing wind is from the South West. (Where the sea is.) Which in my mind implies that any tomato blight spores would have to travel from France. Which is quite a long way away.

So anyway this morning I awoke gently from my slumber. ( I say 'gently', but actually I was dreaming about tornadoes and had just been sucked up, spun around and then thrown majestically through the air before landing in a Lidl car park, at which point I woke up) Anyway, I struggled downstairs, rolled a ciggie and lit it. As I looked up from the glowing ember I noticed one of the tomato plants. It was suddenly looking manky.

After a quick scout around the plant some things were obvious. Some of the leaves had started to yellow, and small black spots had appeared on the leaves. The stems were fine and the tomatoes were still non-existent. Although the flowers are still yellow. (For now)

Obviously I didn't take a picture. Nope instead I left for work and was so glum that in the office, everyone kept asking what was wrong with me. I mentioned the starving child in the African savannah who only needed £3, but I think everyone knew it wasn't that. It was something else. I was concerned about my tomatoes, and they knew it. :-(

At 4pm I rushed out of the office, down the stairs and out of the building. The worry had built to a crescendo and nothing would, or could stop me. Two pints later and I wandered home, a dejected fool. Would all my tomatoes be a blackened stump? Their former glory, and lush green foliage a memory from the distant past? My heartbeat slowed like an old Ford Cortina with a blocked carburetor, as I tip-toed into the garden....

That bay tree needs pruning

Nope! It all looks good! Well it does from this distance. Obviously a closer examination was in order, and seeing how I couldn't really be bothered to check every leaf earlier today as they were a bit damp (and i didn't want to get a wet sleeve) I soon found some more leaves that looked like they might have the plague.

Blight?

A.I.D.S ?

So is it The Blight? Who knows, time will tell. They either die and produce green tomato chutney, or they turn into red tomatoes. I'm not frying them now as there's no room in the frying pan cos it's full of sausages. And anyway there's more important facts to concern myself with.

Bastards. I have enough to feed a starving child.

Rain stops play

Once again I think it's rained pretty much every day this week. In fact I'm sure of it.
The weather (and work) may have stopped me going up the allotment, but it hasn't necessarily stopped me playing at the hobby, that is known as 'gardening' at home.

It's a gloriously sunny day! (except in my patio)

The cucumbers have started to flower which is nice, although as usual with my patio there is lack of pollinating insects. There's only one thing left to do. Do it myself.

Bambino Blanco, yesterday

The tomatoes are a different story though. They get the tomato sex on by being shaken roughly in the wind and rain. Obviously the Black Cherry vine tomatoes that I stupidly planted in the tiny greenhouse need to be vigorously shaken by hand a couple of times a day. Surprisingly this seems to be working and there are actually some baby green tomatoes! The tomatoes on the patio seem to be a bit slower, but they're catching up. I might even have to put some canes on them soon.

This is what happens when you plant 2 vine tomatoes in a 6ft greenhouse.

Black Cherry tomatoes. (Green ones)

The climbing french beans are doing their thing, albeit rather slowly. There are 2 plants in half a growbag. They must be over 5-foot now and nearly at the top of the shelving unit, so hopefully we'll get some flowers soon.

COME ON YOU FRENCH BASTARDS

These mini-runners were only sown 2 weeks ago for a late crop. Pretty impressed so far. They're doing even better than the ones up the plot.

English Mini-Runner Beans being mini.

The tomatillos are growing well, but frustrating. I've had plenty of flowers on each plant, but neither plant seems to have had open flowers at the same time which has made pollination impossible. Also one of the plants had a massive branch broken off. This was infuriating as it had a ton of flower buds on it. I'm blaming the cats. Or one of them anyway. I think I might blame Margo cos she's the fattest.

Tomatillos (minus one branch) yesterday

The chillis are doing brilliantly. I think I have 12 varieties, of which 6 or so have flowers on, and 2 varieties have already been harvested. Super Chilli F1 and Cayenne. Due to a distinct lack of pollinators, these are all being pollenated by hand. Ear buds are the future when all the bees die. I'm thinking of buying a factory that manufactures them, except mine will have a yellow and black stick and make a buzzing sound whenever they touch a flower.

Did I mention I don't like hot food?

Arty Guardian shot. Quite nice innit!

 One thing I am quite proud of are the Cape Gooseberries I seem to be quite good at growing even though I'm not actually doing anything. They just seem to do it themselves. Which in my opinion is a good thing. Cos I'm rubbish.

Aren't they pretty!!!